Why running 5k’s is the key to surviving the zombie apocalypse: No, seriously.

Since it is now October, I thought I would take a few minutes to address this topic.  Physical fitness is an important part of personal safety for more reasons than I can list in this blog entry.  Looking across all of the towns here in the middle of Bergen County, there are a huge variety of kickboxing, karate and other martial arts type studios, all of which offer the added benefit of increasing your ability to fend off purse snatchers or other threats of the run of the mill living-human-being variety, in addition to providing an increased level of physical fitness.  But we are not talking about purse snatching today…. Oh, no.  Not even close.  We are here today to talk about an entirely different and very real existential threat… You guessed it:  zombie-freaking-apocalypse.

To be sure, any physical fitness regimen will improve your odds of surviving a life threatening event.   I mean this in the least offensive way possible, but heart disease continues to be among the leading causes of death in the US.  And obesity is officially an epidemic in this country.  A large portion of Americans would very likely literally drop dead of a heart attack at the mere sight of a single zombie, let alone even a small horde of the undead.  Forget about getting bitten or ripped to shreds in a feeding frenzy. 

So kickboxing, karate classes, even zumba would greatly improve your chances of surviving these kinds of conditions.  But let’s face it, hand-to-hand combat is not going to get it done.  As every George Romero film ever made has proven to us, beyond any doubt, EVADING these great zombie hordes is the first line of defense.  Translation? 

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not just a quick sprint, either.  We are talking a sustained effort over very long distances to more sparsely populated country farm-house style settings (preferably, a pre-boarded up farmhouse).  From New Milford to the rolling country side setting in say Mahwah, that’s about 15 miles with stops along the way to gather supplies and other survivors.   So the first benefit of committing to a lifestyle of running is obvious.  Evading during the chaos of the initial outbreak is a direct skill acquired by runners. 

But running offers a variety of other HUGE indirect benefits over all other forms of exercise.  Running long distances is not just a function of physical strength.  It’s about efficiency and endurance.  As someone just starting out, you might feel winded when you run (rapid, shallow breathing).  But as that early stage runner progresses, he or she will feel less winded.  Our bodies become more efficient at absorbing oxygen (better oxygen uptake, sometimes referred to as a higher VO2Max, in runner jargon).  Burning calories is only indirectly a function of physical exertion.  It’s the volume of air that you breathe that burns calories.  That’s why running and other aerobic exercises burn such a large number of calories versus, say, lifting weights or anaerobic exercise which is aimed more at building muscle mass. 

This might be counter intuitive, but the goal for most endurance athletes is to burn fewer calories over the course of a physical effort.  That means slower, deeper breathing, a more efficient heart rate and teaching your body to burn fat stores instead of just consuming more calories as you go.  Marathon runners ‘carb-load’ in the days leading up to a race to create a reserve of calories for race day because there is no way to consume enough calories on the day of a race.  At my height, weight and average pace, I would burn close to 4,800 calories over the course of running 26 miles.  Added to a normal daily caloric requirement, I would have to consume over three days’ worth of food in the morning to immediately fuel that 4 hour marathon.

There is no pulling over at the nearest diner to grab a quick snack and a cup of coffee in a post zombie outbreak world.  As an endurance athlete develops, it’s common to transition to eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the day.  This isn’t a dieting technique; it’s a by-product of more efficient fueling.  And that is an awesome skill to have when evading zombie hordes.  Runners are therefore likely to be well adapted to a world where one has to exploit limited resources, on the move.

In the process of training as a runner, we tend to measure efficiency generally in terms of our ability to control our breathing, but more tangibly, we can measure our progress in becoming more physically efficient by measuring and tracking our resting heart rate.  And endurance athletes can achieve VERY low resting heart rates, in some cases less than 50 beats per minute. 

This leads to the third area where runners have a distinct advantage in the zombie apocalypse.  It’s a politically sensitive topic, but I’m going to say it: Guns.  It might be a bit of a stretch to suggest that runners are naturally better shooters.  And certainly there are many ways to obtain training in firearms and improve marksmanship.  But what I will say is that breathing and heart rate control are critical areas necessary for the level of marksmanship required to survive a world with the walking dead.  If you have watched any of the movies or TV shows on this important topic, you know that the real survivors can always shoot better than even the best trained Navy SEAL.  I’m talking headshots at 50 to 100 yards, mid-stride, in a full-on sprint, with a crossbow, in the dark.   

There are sniper elements in almost every branch of the US military.  But the most well regarded training program out there is the US Marine Corps Scout Sniper training school.  And daily running is part of that training.  Shooting accurately requires a very precise alignment of the sites on a firearm and the target.  That alignment can be disturbed by even the slightest movement.  Snipers and precision shooters are taught to take very measured breaths, inhale, hold about halfway through the exhale and then press off the shot.  But a more advanced level of shooter doesn’t just time shots around breathing cycles, but they time their shots to actually occur between heart beats.  That’s why physical training is such an important part of marksmanship training.  In fact, many military trained snipers practice meditation to actually consciously slow their heart rate on command.  Runners are therefore well adapted to controlling their breathing and heart rate under stressful situations which undoubtedly improves shooting accuracy.

So there you have it.  Runners are immediately equipped with the skill to evade zombie hordes, sustain themselves on limited resources and are better able to engage and destroy zombie targets.  For real. 

So, back to the claim in my headline.  How does running races come into play?   Look, it’s easy to lose sight of how very real the threat of a zombie apocalypse is.   As I have laid out here, it is a proven fact that running will pretty much guarantee your survival in a zombie infested world.  But training requires commitment.  We all have busy schedules.  Our kids have busy schedules.  It’s easy to get distracted.  But signing up for races puts real dates and goals on the calendar.  You put a red circle around a date on a calendar and it keeps you honest.  It is impossible to predict when the zombie outbreak will start.  So rather than train for the unknown, train for those 5k’s and 10k’s.  And in addition to training yourself for the end of days, you get free tee shirts for running those races.  And for many runners, that’s really what it’s all about.  Tee shirts.  [They are not just tee shirts.  They are bragging rights that you literally wear on your chest.]

Oh, I almost forgot; (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT HERE) Brad Pitt survives and, in fact, thrives in the zombie apocalypse.  So in addition to trying to save your life and get you free tee shirts, I am trying to get you to survive in a world with Brad Pitt…. and limited options.  Think about that.  Then circle October 27th on your calendar.  And also come on out for our group runs/walks! 

If you want to live, email us at NewMilfordRuns@gmail.com.  And register for our race at https://tinyurl.com/nmef10k.  Seriously.

Happy Halloween!